I Secretly Wish I Lived the Life of Bill Simmons

Some of my favorite excerpts from the Bill Simmons Sports Guy Chat. Click here to read the whole article. And yes, this is a cop-out because I don't have anything else tonight. So instead, you can read Bill Simmons. Ultimately, he's more entertaining than I am, and he gets paid to write. There you go -- you can't lose. (I'll be back with something new tomorrow)

First, the official "When It's Okay to Drink Before 10 a.m. list"

SG: "While attending football tailgates, college reunions or the Boston Marathon … during your final two weeks of college … during any Vegas trip or bachelor party or guys-only golf outing … if you pulled an all-nighter and haven't left a strip club yet … before any wedding that starts at 1 p.m. or earlier … any time your in-laws are visiting … during any morning when it's below 10 degrees … if you're dating an actress and just attended a movie premiere during which she had a graphic sex scene with someone else on a 50-foot screen … while living in any town in Canada that's farther than 75 miles from Toronto, Montreal, Ottawa or Vancouver … if you've been writing for a late-night talk show for more than two years … if your name is "Jack Nicholson" … before your fantasy football draft if you're trying to get the ball rolling so some of your other buddies get plastered … and if you're Vin Baker and you're getting checks from four different NBA teams at the exact same time."

Q: What do you feel the over/under should be for Jerome Bettis' inevitable ascent to 300 pounds? Also, at what weight do you think he'll peak? I envision Bettis wedged into a Lazy Boy recliner surrounded by a semicircle of KFC buckets. I predict he'll top 300 pounds just after Halloween -- no surprise there -- and will max out at 337 before his former teammates enact an intervention in an IHOP booth.-- Tim Donovan, Los Angeles

SG: Wait a second … you think he'll top 300 pounds just after Halloween? I hope that either (A) you sent this e-mail to me last summer and it was trapped in cyberspace for nine months, or (B) you meant "Halloween, 2005." But to answer your question, I think Bettis and Barkley are going to become the Russell/Chamberlain of overweight studio analysts over the next 3-4 years. Four hundred pounds wouldn't surprise me. One of them growing to Shirley Hemphill/Marsha Warfield proportions wouldn't surprise me. Hell, one of them fitting into one of David Byrne's old jackets from the "Stop Making Sense" tour wouldn't surprise me. And if this leads to Bettis and Barkley getting their own ESPN talk show called "Pardon the Digestion," I think it's a good thing.

Q: College people have told me I look a lot like Adam Carolla. It's getting more frequent as I move into my late-20s, and it's really starting to bug me since I am hands down better-looking than him. Can you think of a way for me to spin this into a positive?-- Andrew, Phoenix

SG: Sure. Adam Carolla is a millionaire. He's extremely rich. He has a beautiful wife. He lives in a mansion in Hollywood Hills. He works 20 hours a week and spends the entire time talking (which is funny because he would have spent the entire time talking, anyway). And he leads the kind of life where this was his most traumatic moment of 2006: He bought a used Ferrari on eBay, thought it was arriving on a Friday, and it didn't show up until Sunday … ruining his weekend in the process. (That's a true story). So you might be in better hands than you think.