RPR Commentary: The Hills

Let's be serious: You didn't think I'd miss out on tearing into The Hills, the new MTV spin-off of Laguna Beach? I often find myself straddling the fine line between these shows being a guilty pleasure versus them causing me to do some deep introspection.

"Am I really watching a show about a bunch of people more than 5 years younger than me? Have I grown out of the MTV age, geared toward those teenagers across the country?"

My answers: Yes, I'm watching these shows and no way in hell have I grown out of it. Not as long they continue to put ridiculous programming on the air that provides material for this blog, allow me to feel better about myself knowing that I have more direction than the Real World for-lifers, and knowing that I'll find high levels of comedy with Yo Momma, Next, and Room Raiders.

Back to The Hills... let's just say that by the first commercial break, I was running into the other room to grab a piece of paper so that I could write down all of the absurdities from the show. First off, I know LC's parents supposedly make a ton of money, but that apartment looks extremely nice. It's called Hollywood Villas or something. I want live somewhere with "Villas" in the name. We know that either Mommy & Daddy are paying for that one, or more likely, MTV is picking up the tab. We meet her roommate, Heidi, who seems like she's about as bright as a lightbulb from last decade. I'm excited that Heidi will be a new source of humor for this series. By the way, my sister, Jamie, had this to add about Heidi: "umm i dont like heidi shes a f*cking moron". Well put.

LC finds out that her interview for an internship at Teen Vogue is in 20 minutes, so magically she transforms from "I've been riding in the car all day long and I look all disheveled" to "I'm looking gorgeous, my hair is perfect, and I could be on the cover of Teen Vogue myself" in the matter of one scene jump. She arrives at the interview, but MTV does a shitty job of editing the interview because it seemed very unimpressive to me. She meets with the "West Coast Editor" who looks like Merryl Streep, and answers questions such as "Can you write?" with insightful responses such as "Yes". I also counted 7 'likes' in a 15 second clip. Of course, in the end, she ends up with the gig. If she didn't then, MTV wouldn't have a show, now would they?

In addition to the internship with Teen Vogue, LC and Heidi are in the process of registering for Fashion school. At least LC does a better job with this interview, and given the fact that she'll have the internship, getting into school isn't terribly difficult. Then the Admissions Counselor meets with Heidi. Good lord. As a reminder, here's how the dialogue went:

Admissions: So Heidi, what were you like in high school?
Heidi: You know, I was like the party girl.
Admissions: What are your career goals?
Heidi: I'm really interested in PR. I want to be a party girl for a PR firm... you know, throw big parties and stuff.
Admissions: Would you ever consider working on a retail sales floor?
Heidi: Like actually working in retails sales? Like selling? Oh, no way.

What a trainwreck. This girl doesn't have a clue. This part of the show has to be scripted. It makes me nauseous to think that people like Heidi exist in this world. Let's see if she actually gets into school. If not, partying can be her full-time job.

When LC goes to the internship for the first day, we meet Whitney, who is another intern. We don't find out about her too much at first, but I'd imagine she'll cause some drama over the course of the show. She seems rather innocent, but it's only a matter of time before she's offering sexual favors in exchange for coke. Mark it down.

I found it amusing that a fashion editor had to give LC and Whitney some extra clothes/"accessories" before they went in to meet with Merryl Streep.... er, the West Coast Editor. Half the people I work with walk around work each day with their shirt half-untucked and a coffee stain or two. The gist of their responsibilities during the internship: do what we say, be thankful that you're here, don't make a fool of yourself, and if you 'f' up, we'll send you to some second rate magazine.

Luckily, LC and Whitney get to attend some party for which they were lucky enough to address the invitations. LC's job was to prevent anyone from sitting in the VIP area. Heidi and two douchebags sneak into the party, start to cause drama, and end up getting LC yelled at. She's too nice sometimes. If I were her, I wouldn't let this idiot friends screw up my job. They shouldn't have been there in the first place, and they show up and cause a scene. Completely unnecessary. Merryl Streep gets upset with LC and like a mother scolding her child who just used a crayon to decorate the newly-painted white wall, says, "We'll discuss this on Monday." How suspenseful.

That was basically it for the initial episode, but the previews show us that a ton of excitement is on tap. We'll see mega drama from Heidi and the douchebags, and wonder if LC can handle the pressures of the internship and school. Guess who shows up later on? Jason. I giggled with joy when I saw that this clown will make an appearance. I'm gonna start the "I'd Like to Sock Jason in the Face Club". Who's with me? And is there some website or casino that I can put money on some decent odds that Stephen will make a cameo? What are the odds, 3:1 ? 4:1?

Look for some more craziness from The Hills next week. I am thoroughly shocked at the things MTV comes up with. I'm also shocked that I have this much to say about one 30 minute program. (I'm just sitting here shaking my head)

Andy's Nugget of Wisdom, et cetera

Andy's Nugget of Wisdom this evening stems from America's favorite show, aptly named, American Idol. I, too, found myself watching Idol this season, from some reason that is yet to be determined. Probably because it ranks pretty high up on the Unintentional Comedy Scale.

"Andy's Nugget: As many of you know, Taylor Hicks won American Idol last week. Now, I will admit that although I did not mind him, I was pulling for Katharine. Not only could she sing, but she was freakin gorgeous. My problem is this: will anyone buy his CD that they'll put out? My guess is no. I mean why would anyone pay $13 for a new CD, when they could hear the same type of music from the Footloose soundtrack?? It makes no sense to me."

- Speaking of the Unintentional Comedy Scale, MTV premieres another one of its classic quasi-reality/drama series on Wednesday evening: The Hills. I don't know about you guys, but it's seemed like forever since the last season of Laguna signed off, so I need my fill of faux drama queens and spoiled brats living in Southern California. Look forward to a review tomorrow.

- Phillies back-up catcher Sal Fasano possesses one thing that MVP Alex Rodriguez would like: Respect. Great article about the mediocre bench player for the Phils, who earns just above the league minimum salary and how the fans love him. On the other hand, A-Rod was last year's American League MVP, has a $250 million contract and solid statistics, but has a tough time winning the hearts of Yankees fans. Then again, a lot of people dislike the Yankees fans, so it all works out in the end.

- My continued fascination with the world's fascination with Starbucks. They have their own Entertainment division, have plans to eventually open as many locations globally as McDonald's, and are vying for potential world domination by way of the threat of a caffeine headache. In other words, I should have bought their stock when it was $10/share back in 1999.

- Mark this up on the list of "Jobs I Think Would Be Cool to Do": Google Logo Creator. In fact, they wrote an article about the artist.

- Being drunk, naked, and getting in a fight with a garage window has bad news written all over it.

That'll do it for this post. Back tomorrow.

Post-Memorial Day Odds and Ends

Andy will be checking in tomorrow, so stay tuned...

"In observance of Memorial Day, Andy's Nuggets of Wisdom will be returning Tuesday for his usual nonsense."

As for everything else, it was a good weekend. Relaxed, made a few small trips outside of the NYC, and enjoyed the warm weather. Checked out the Upright Citizens Brigade on Friday night, and if you like Improv & Sketch comedy, definitely check it out when in Manhattan.

- Bubbly Dubya is surprisingly entertaining in a juvenile kind of way. (Use your mouse to move Dubya wherever you'd like)

- Angeline Jolie & Brad Pitt had their baby in Namibia, and the west African nation is loving it. They want to make Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt's birthday a national holiday. As if celebrity children aren't fed with the silver spoon in the United States, but now other countries are spoiling the children of America's movie stars. It's ok, maybe Shiloh will help Namibia someday, given that she is destined to be worth more than their Gross Domestic Product.

- TV Theme Songs and lots of them. Everything from Family Ties to Saved by the Bell to Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. They even have Alf and Duck Tales!

Back tomorrow with more...

Wha' Happened?

Funny story that Eric told me this evening...

So one of his co-workers was meeting up with a friend and she agreed to meet the friend at 42nd St & Broadway. She's waiting and waiting for the friend, and finally the friend calls her and asks where she is. The girl realizes that the whole time she's been standing at 42nd St. & 7th Ave by accident. (It's important to know that the girl was slightly drunk at this point). She says to her friend on the phone, "Ah, sh*t, I'm over on 7th instead of Broadway. I'll be right there."

As she hangs up the phone, a guy next to her jumps in and says, "Miss, you just have to go one avenue that way and you'll be at Broadway." The girl was about to turn around and make a wiseass remark along the lines of "Thanks a**hole, I'm not a tourist, just got a little mixed up because I'm half-drunk..." when she realized who was standing next to her. It was Fred Willard.

She stands there for a moment and just says, "Wha' happened?"

Fred Willard just smiles and offers a mild chuckle, obviously having received that same remark from many others before. Willard's wife says, "I don't get it. People recognize you on the street and always make that 'Wha' happened?' comment. What's so funny about it?" Both Willard and the girl have a good laugh and then she goes on her way.

If you don't follow the reference, you're definitely missing out. [Hint, go rent/borrow a copy of A Mighty Wind]

- As some of you may know, I'm out of the loop when it comes to these popular hip-hop songs in the Top 40, you know, the ones that get played on every radio station like 45 times per day. Wait, does anyone out there actually listen to the radio anymore? Any case, I was flipping through TV channels, and came across one of the MTV step-child stations: MTV Hits on Channel 182 or somewhere up there. Heard this song called "S.O.S" by Rihanna. Anyone heard this? Only reason even recalled the song is because it's been on the iTunes Top 10 singles list for about 2 months now. Have to admit that I hadn't actually heard the song before seeing the video. [Side note: It's good to know that MTV is sticking to its roots by playing videos on the step-child station. I guess it's better to play them somewhere rather than nowhere.] Point of the story: she samples "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell. I mean, come on. She's sampling a song that was voted the #1 One Hit Wonder by VH1 a couple years back. If a hip-hop artist is sampling a song that is known for being a one hit wonder, wouldn't that be considered a bad omen? Maybe I'm looking too far into it, but something seems off. Maybe Rihanna is destined for One Hit Wonder status of her own. Wouldn't that be ironic?

- Hey, Memorial Day Weekend is upon us. Gotta love the Memorial Day. Reminds me of the old days watching the parade in Lafayette Hill. No, wait, that was 4th of July. Eh, regardless, Memorial Day is a solid holiday -- nice little 3 day weekend, looks to be some warm weather, I'll be in the city hangin out, and going out to Long Island on Sunday for a BBQ. Good times all around. Enjoy the long weekend.

Andy's Nuggets on Hiatus, SNY Broadcasters are No Good, and The Time Lapse Clip Guy

A quick note from Andy:

"Andy's Nuggets of Wisdom is in 'Operation Shutdown' while all my TV shows finish up, and I get ready for the [Eric] Steinberg to invade Pennsylvania. I'm sure I'll get some good stuff from that visit!!!"

Speaking of Eric, he mentioned to me that he, too, would like a weekly feature... something along the lines of "Things I Don't Understand". Hopefully, we'll see something from him in the near future.

I enjoy that I can watch the Phillies when they are playing the Mets, but the broadcasters on SportsNet New York (SNY) drive me nuts. They are the biggest "homers" I've ever listened to. I believe that a sportscaster can be passionate without being terribly biased. And when the bias is toward the teams I don't like, that makes it worse. I'll admit that Merrill Reese (the Eagles radio broadcaster) is a bit of a homer, but at least he's a great radio voice. I don't have much of a point here, but now that the Phillies/Mets game is in the 15th inning (and still going), I've had my fair share of these two TV clowns...

- Follow up on the time lapse clip from the Apple Store. I was curious, and I slowed the clip down to the frames where the guy shows up with several posterboards. First one says, "Uschi Lang" and then "I Love You", and finally, "Will You Marry Me?" I want to know how this guy knew that there was, what seems to be, a discrete camera outside of the store, and why would his girlfriend be watching this thing at an early morning hour? Looks to be about 6-7am when the guy shows up. Gotta wonder...

That's it for tonight...

Sports Guy, new Raconteurs, the Apple Empire

- New Bill Simmons mailbag column, which is hilarious as usual, especially the Responsibilities While Attending a Baseball Game, the men's room story from the Yankees home opener, and Simmons promoting his wife to be a sideline reporter. High comedy all around. Read the article.

- Broken Boy Soldiers is the new record by Jack White's side project, The Raconteurs. It's not too similar to the White Stripes' sound, but I don't think that's a bad thing. Solid record, although the 34 minute length is on the short side. Catchy tunes from start to finish, and I'm hoping the project finds enough time to put out another disc in the future.

Take a listen to: "Steady As She Goes", "Hands", and "Intimate Secretary" (courtesy of The Camera As Pen)

- Big buzz last weekend was the opening of the Apple Store on Fifth Avenue. I'm talking big buzz. All the Mac nerds in the New York metropolitan area were having a collective caniption. People waited in lines for hours to get in when the store opened last Friday at 6pm. In fact, the lines lasted pretty much all weekend from what I can tell. Crazy part: the store is open 24 hours. Wanna go get your broken iPod fixed at 3am? Go ahead. Need to purchase an iBook at 5am, you're taken care of. Also, it's completely underground The Jessica and I walked by there on Sunday afternoon, and the lines hadn't died down. Steve Jobs looks like a pretty smart guy right now, huh? In the meantime, check out this cool panoramic view outside of the store on Friday night. Not surprisingly, you'll need Quicktime in order to view it. Want more? Take a look at this time lapse of the store's first 24 hours. Apple will soon take over the world... right after Wal-Mart and the Mouse Ears.

File Under "A Few Items for the Blog"

I know, I know: I was slacking with the blog postings toward the end of last week. I'll try to get my act together this week. Real quick post before I go watch the 12am episode of The Sopranos and miss out on sleep as a result....

- Friday night's theme: White trash. Went to dinner at a place called Trailer Park, with decorations inside that made it look like.. you guessed it.. a trailer park. Cheap drinks, deliciously greasy food, and all main entrees came with your choice of sweet potato fries or tater tots. Let's be serious, how can you not like a place that has an option of tater tots on the side? Afterwards, went to Rudy's, which is my favorite dive bar in New York City. The prices are almost on par with State College bar prices (!) and the scene is almost as great. Brings all the West side crazies, seated on booths that are held together with duct tape, and the free hot dogs & popcorn invite in all of the local homeless folks. Gotta love it.

- Here's a good 6 minute clip that shows you how ridiculous some of the dance moves of the last 50 years have been.

- I'm curious if anyone saw The Da Vinci Code this weekend. If you saw it, how was it? And what are your thoughts on people (like me) seeing the movie without having read the book? I'm anti-"mainsteam popular books" that everyone reads, so Dan Brown never received a residual from me. Frankly I don't care, and if the movie is worth seeing, I'll check it out. I take movies for their entertainment value, and if I can't understand a movie without reading a book beforehand, then the movie is leaving out essential details. Just my thoughts.

Back tomorrow.

Co-ed Restrooms? Testing our Social Norms

About 2 posts ago, I mentioned last Saturday night's dinner with my family at Barclay Prime in Philadelphia. I gushed over the food, but omitted one piece of the story: the bathrooms. Yes, the bathrooms.

So what could be so exciting about a bathroom in a restaurant? When the bathroom breaks the "social norm" by being co-ed, then it's cause for conversation. You walk down a little hallway to a door with no markings on it. For all I knew, it could have been a storage closet, a secret kitchen, or an emergency exit. It didn't even have the stick figure man/woman on the door to let you know that the bathroom is co-ed. The reason I use "co-ed" instead of "unisex" is because unisex implied that the restroom would only be used by one person at a time, regardless of gender. But when you use the word "co-ed" it implied both genders being in one place at the same time. Quite fascinating.

So you open the unmarked door and realize right away that it's the restroom because there are several sinks lined up next to each other. You see 5 doors (from front to back) marked: "L", "M", "L", "M", "HC". In case you didn't figure it out, that would be Ladies, Men, and Handicapped. Each door and stall went all the way up to the ceiling, similar to a closet door. Each stall was completely enclosed by tiles, and speakers were built into the ceiling of each stall, so that the music would drown out any 'noise'.

When I walked in, there wasn't anyone else in there. As I was washing my hands, a lady walked out, and I almost felt like I couldn't look at her, even though we were simply washing our hands. We could have washed our hands next to each other at any place and it wouldn't have been awkward. But since it was in the restroom setting, you feel like you are in breach of a social norm. At which point, people don't know how to act, so they don't speak nor make eye contact. Very similar to being in an elevator with many people or when you witness an intense verbal conflict in public: you realize that the scene is taking place, but you won't acknowledge it.

On the way out, the lady and I did give each other the "Boy, this is weird, isn't it?" look, but other than that, I made my way out and that was that. Mom's experience was some gentleman actually asking, "Am I in the right place?" Otherwise, he'd be in for some embarassment.

It really makes you wonder what caused the restaurant management to come up with this idea. Sure, it'd be mentioned in their critic reviews. Of course there are websites which point out the "Cool Bathrooms in [Name Your City Here]" and it be listed there as well. Maybe they just wanted to take the edge off of the customers a little bit by causing them to chuckle at the experience -- especially if you aren't expecting it. Lastly, maybe that is what these modern restaurants are doing, and some day in the future, all new establishments will facilitate the co-ed restrooms. Only time will tell.

If any readers have had experiences with these co-ed restrooms, please share the story. I think some college dorms even have them. Gotta love when the boundaries of sociological comfort are tested.

The Latest Haircut Episode

When I arrived home last Friday night, Mom made this comment upon seeing me, "You really need a haircut. Why didn't you get one sooner?" The reasons are two-fold: one is that I was fairly busy last week at work and couldn't make the crappy hours that the place holds (they are only open past 7pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays -- which didn't end up working for me). The second reason is that I was lazy and thought I could squeeze through another week before getting the hair chopped. As a result, I heard about it from Mom. And from my sister, Jamie. Upon seeing her, she made the same comment,"Look at you... you desperately need a haircut!" You would think that I could put my hair up in a ponytail with the way they were talking. Ridiculous.

So I made it a point to get the haircut this week. It worked into my schedule that I would get over there on Tuesday night. So I walked in and three of the ladies were sitting in the waiting area eating some food. As I stood there for a moment, they finally realized that I was there with a purpose. One of the older ladies asked if she could help me. They always do this. Yeah I'll take a cheeseburger, medium well, with fries and a Diet Coke. What the hell do you think I'm there for? To get my damn hair cut.

So far, no sign of Yolanda. I surveyed the scene and didn't spot her.

I ended up getting my hair cut by the pregnant Irish lady. I didn't realize that she was Irish until about 5 minutes into the haircut when she started up with the small talk. On the other hand, I did realize that she was pregnant because that was more evident. Of course, neither factors are extremely relevant, but are worth mentioning.

Side note: Did you ever run into a situation where you kept up conversation with someone just because you wanted to hear their accent? That's what I did with pregnant Irish lady. She had the thick Irish accent, you know what I mean. So I kept up the small talk because the accent was intriguing. At the same time, I wondered if anyone would ever be intrigued by my currently watered-down Philadelphia suburbs accent. When I eventually take a trip to Europe, would the people over there enjoy the way I talk or would they look at me like any other neanderthal American? Just curious...

Anyway, so the pregnant Irish lady's chair is on the complete opposite end of the room as Yolanda's. I was in the clear for the time being. She cut my hair, we continued the small talk, and other than that, it was very uneventful.

When I was done, I went to the front desk to pay. I went back to give pregnant Irish lady her tip, and then came back to the front to grab my jacket before heading out. I'm over by the coat rack, and I do a double take. There she is. She recognizes me.

So I try not to say anything and just smile.

Yolanda: Hey you... how you doin?
Me: [Making minimal eye contact] Hi... I'm good how are you?
Yolanda: I'm doing well, thanks.
Me: Ok, I'll see ya later. Take it easy.

I run out of the door, because in that brief conversation, she gave me the disloyalty look again. The "I used to cut your hair and now you come in here and use whoever is first available" look on her face. Well, at this point, I'm just playing dumb. I don't have time to sit there and wait for her, so my feeling is that I am fine with whoever is available to cut my hair as soon as I walk in. I've gone two trips now without using Yolanda. That means that if I hit three trips, it'll be like 5 months since she last cut my hair. I don't think that necessarily means she'll forget who I am, which was proven in that she remembered me this evening, but as time goes on, she might not recall my face.

I did make it out of there alive, and looking like less of a dirtball with my 'clean cut' look. Not as exciting as previous visits, but there's always next time. With my luck, next time I won't get away with a short 10 second conversation. I'm not that lucky.

Andy's Nugget of Wisdom: "Great Ass Pants"

Andy sent his Nugget of Wisdom along to me, and this time, it comes with a little help of his brother. Ladies, any comments on the proposal below?

My brother proposed this idea: All girls (with some exceptions) have one pair of pants that makes their butt look amazing...they call them their 'Great Ass Pants'. They could be khakis, jeans, other pants...the girls know which pants they are. With these pants on, women have unlimited powers over [the guys], because they know all they have to do is flash their ass in them pants, and we will be hypnotized.

Fine Dining, Dubya on Immigration, the Fightins, and Grey's

- Exciting item of the weekend was a little family time on Saturday night as Jamie and I took the parents out for a nice dinner to celebrate their anniversary at Barclay Prime, the "luxury boutique steakhouse" in the upscale Rittenhouse Square section of Philadelphia. Of course we all enjoy the finer things in life, and let me tell you, this place was fantastic. Kobe sliders (mini hamburgers) as an appetizer -- you've never tasted beef until you've had kobe. Absolutely unreal. 12 oz. Filet Mignon: there's nothing I enjoy more in the culinary world than a really good filet mignon. Barclay Prime didn't mess around, and I'll put it in my top 3 filets of all time. I think I could get used to fine dining, although my wallet would quickly become impoverished, but a career as a food critic doesn't sound too shabby.

- So who saw Bush's address this evening about tightening the belt on immigration? I loved the "I can't believe I've been in office for over 5 years now" look on his face, but more surprising was the fact that I actually agreed with what he said. In fact, several hours later, I'm still shocked. As always, the RPR doesn't look to get into political arguments. I won't entertain any such verbal conflicts. But I think the immigration issues have become too much in this country, to the point where they are just letting anyone in the country. Don't get me wrong: I don't doubt that many of these people are coming into the US to find a better life for themselves and their families. But it allows the dirtballs to get into this country and create crime, drug trafficking, and terrorism. Let's be serious, we have enough issues with these items as it is and do not need anymore.

I agree that the Border Patrol needs to be tighter with their controls of letting people into the US (on all borders), and it might help to have the National Guard helping out for a short time. Let's keep the rapists, murders, drug dealers, and terrrorists out. After all, I think that is the point of this whole thing. There are plenty of solid, upstanding citizens who want to come into the US to work hard, give their kids a decent education, and create an improved lifestyle for the whole family. There's nothing wrong with this. The streets aren't paved with gold, but this country is in a hell of a lot better shape than several of our neighbors to the south.

By the way, I'm still shocked that I agree with something Bush is promoting. Astonishing.

- Fightin' Phils: Winners of 13 out of last 14 games. Lieber throws a sick game on Saturday. Ryan Howard was in the emergency room late Saturday night with a stomach ailment, then comes in the game late on Sunday afternoon to hit 2 home runs. The team is hotter than the black leather seats of a `72 Chevy Nova sitting in the desert on a summer afternoon.

[And with that, I probably jinxed them. But there's no denying that the team is playing ridiculous baseball right now.]

- Grey's Anatomy finale: Superb. ABC did a knock-out job with this show, and after staying in the shows of Desperate Housewives, took over as the main draw of ABC's Sunday night television in my opinion. The plotlines were a little off-the-wall toward the end, but what do you expect from a medical drama? I was entertained and looked forward to each episode. In this day and age of crappy television, if a show can at least do that, then I'd say it's a success. Now I can focus my attention back to The Sopranos.

- And since I have nothing else to add, that will be it for this evening. Enjoy Tuesday.

90's Music, Overheard in ?, and Us Weekly

Running through the list of things that are worth running through...

- On the way home from work today, I heard Third Eye Blind's "How's It Going to Be" on the radio. I can't tell you the last time I heard this song, but I always get nostalgic when I hear the songs that I really enjoyed back in the mid & late 90's era. You remember when Third Eye Blind came out with its self-titled record in 1997: it ended up having 5 singles off of it. "Semi-Charmed Life", "Jumper", "Graduate", "How's It Going to Be", and "Losing a Whole Year". That's like pantheon for records: having 5 singles on the radio. Of course, in the current days of mp3 players, satellite radio, internet radio, and podcasts, no one listens to terrestrial radio anymore. The fact of the matter is that records coming out these days often don't have 3 singles let alone 5, which makes the feat that much more impressive. Pull out that Third Eye Blind CD and have a high school flashback!

- I found a great quote on this wonderful thing we have called the "world wide web" and since it makes fun of MySpace, it makes it that much funnier. Apparently, this quote is from a segment on an unknown C-SPAN program.

"MySpace is the Sears Catalogue for pedophiles."

Yep, that about sums it up. And since you all know how much I love similes and metaphors, I got a kick out of that comment.

- For your time-wasting pleasure, you may have seen the popular OverHeard in New York. Now, there are some very funny spinoffs: OverHeard at College and OverHeard in the Office. Just goes to show that there are people in large cities, on college campuses, and in offices around the country that are the owners of very stupid comments -- and there's someone around to overhear the comment -- and post it on the internet.

- Attention Ladies: Bill Simmons (The Sports Guy) has a great idea that he'd like to market to you: Us Weekly Fantasy League. It'll be like fantasy baseball or football, but based around the celebrity gossip and news that you know and love from reading the Us Weekly magazine. Guys spend hours and hours of their time on fantasy leagues, so being involved in one that is geared toward a subject that you enjoy might increase your understanding for guys' affinity to fantasy sports.

I'm heading home this weekend to visit the family and hang out with Mom for Mother's Day. Enjoy the weekend.

A Whole Lot of Nothing...

Folks, there just isn't a whole lot going on. I've made a solid effort in finding some good material to put on the RPR, but either (a) there's nothing exciting to blog about; (b) I lead a boring life; or (c) my creative juices are drier than the Mojave Desert. Regardless, let's see what I can think of...

- I'm sure most of you saw David Blaine on Monday night, as he concluded his 8 days in a glass sphere by holding his breath for a 'measly' 7 minutes and 8 seconds. That means he missed out on setting a world record and hitting his goal of 9 minutes. It was entertaining for a short time, and cheers goes out to ABC for getting Stuart Scott to host the event on live television. They must have realized, "Hey, we have 2 hours of live coverage to fill, and although we have a handful of Blaine clips to show, we'll need Stu Scott to come in here and BS in the interim. Otherwise all we have is a guy floating in water with an oxygen tank before he attempts to hold his breath for a ridiculous amount of time. Boo ya." Otherwise, highlight of the show was the Blaine clips, including one where he hit on 6 roulette spins in a row, and pulled out a lady's tooth.
- Can anyone give me a mainstream rock update? More specifically, if anyone's heard the new records by Pearl Jam or Red Hot Chili Peppers, please let me know if they're worthwhile.

- Phils won their 9th straight game this evening in sloppy fashion. Billy Wagner didn't get in the game, but I'd imagine he'll step on the mound at some point between Wednesday and Thursday night's games. At that time, he'll be booed, because Philly fans love to boo, especially when you make stupid remarks saying how you don't love the City of Brotherly Love. I will give him credit for this funny comment, found in this NY Daily News article:

"As for the Phillie fans' tough rep, Wagner recalled a conversation with Phillies bullpen catcher Mick Billmeyer. When the closer learned Billmeyer had been raised in Philly, he asked him: "When you were born, was the doctor [yelling], 'You suck'"?"

- As always, if any readers have article ideas/suggestions/guest columns, please contact me. Writing a guest column for the RPR is as easy as writing an email to a friend! Help a brother out!

Andy's Nuggets of Wisdom

It's Monday and that means that Andy has a comment. Today, it's on Major League Baseball's golden child, Barry Bonds. Don't forget, Barry was on Andy's beloved Pirates between 1986-1992.

As Barry Bonds just hit his 713th homerun, I would just like to add that no matter how his career ends up, he will always have an asterisk by his name. No, not for using steroids, but for not being able to throw out Sid Bream at homeplate in the [1992] playoffs. That is reason enough for him to NOT get into the Hall of Fame.

Some Items from the Weekend

A few small items to wrap up the weekend....

- Friday was Cinco de Mayo, and as if the people in the 18-34 year old range need a reason to drink, the celebration of Mexican Independence Day is as good as any. In New York City, people have stopped caring whether or not the establishment is based around the same nationality as the holiday: case in point, people were happy with ordering Coronas and Cuervo margaritas at an Irish pub or American sports bar. They didn't need to be at a Mexican restaurant. What I still wonder is... do people in other countries celebrate the American holidays or are we just freeloading off of any nationality that we can get our hands on? Are people all over Europe celebrating the 4th of July by having barbeques and drinking Budweiser? I doubt it. Americans just love other countries' holidays, but the funny part is that they couldn't give two craps about ours. The good 'ole US of A!

- So Barry Bonds and the San Francisco Giants were in Philadelphia over the weekend, and the red hot Phillies swept the Giants, and have now won 8 games in a row! Barry did hit a monster home run on Sunday evening, to give him 713 for his career and is now 1 shy of tying Babe Ruth for 2nd all-time. However, the Philadelphia fans wouldn't miss out on their only chance this season to give Barry an earful and express their displeasure at the potential tainting of his game due to the steroid allegations. My favorite is the sign below. The Philly fans warm my heart.

(Picture courtesy of the Associated Press. Found on ESPN.com)

- On Saturday, I took a walk over to Lincoln Center to check out the craziness surrounding David Blaine and this nonsense that he's partaking in. In case you haven't heard, he's living in a glass sphere filled with water for 8 days, and then will finish off the whole stunt on Monday night by holding his breath underwater for a record 9 minutes. Let me just say that the guy is nuts. Of course he's gaining a ton of publicity for these stunts, but he's setting himself up for potential physical and mental damage. His skin is shriveling up to nothing, he has muscle atrophy, he's eating liquid food through a tube, and is using a catheter for waste. Apparently, he is able to get a few hours of sleep underwater each night, but otherwise it's a circus around his sphere. Since it's right in the middle of the Lincoln Center courtyard, people are constantly around, taking pictures, waving, and just watching in awe of Blaine.

Since I had some free time on Saturday afternoon, I had to take a walk over there to see for myself. I wasn't about to wait in line, so instead, I walked in through the exit and got about 25 feet away. The best reaction was from the little kids, who stared at the man in the glass bubble like he was some kind of marine mammal from the zoo. They placed their hands on the sphere and gave thumbs up signs for good luck. Blaine is being great about the crowds, and seemingly loved having all of the people out to see his stunt and wish him well. After checking it out for a few minutes and getting a few shoddy pictures on my cellphone camera, I was bored and went on my way. I am intrigued to see how this whole thing ends, so check it out 8pm, Monday night, on ABC.

That's all I can dig up. Another fun-filled week lies ahead so feel the excitement!

We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

I took the night off last night. It's ok, you may have been upset for just a few moments, and then you quickly got over it.

- It's been quite some time since Laguna Beach has been on. That show provided us with a lot of material, making fun of our favorite spoiled brats in Southern California. So remember how LC was supposed to get her spin-off? We almost forgot, it's been so long. The wait is almost over -- The Hills begins Wednesday, May 31st on MTV.

- So.... Paris Hilton is supposedly seeing Matt Leinart... she goes through more guys than a $20 hooker. Any thoughts?

- I'll be honest: I usually don't care one bit about horse racing. But if you can't become interested in the Kentucky Derby by the revelry and excitement surrounding the event, then you are missing out. All of the aristocrats in their seersucker suits and big, floppy hats meet at Churchill Downs in early May each year to watch a handful of horses race one time around a track. The whole race takes about 2 minutes, yet the coverage lasts for hours. The best part is that the horses don't know any better -- some guy is smacking them on their ass, and so they do what is natural: they run fast. When the horse wins, it gets a big bouquet of flowers and some gourmet hay for dinner. Meanwhile, the owner wins $2 million. I'll be watching on Saturday just for shits and giggles. (Look out for Point Determined at 12-1 odds and Lawyer Ron at 4-1)

- Disclaimer: I don't like to talk politics on the RPR, except when it involves humorous criticism of our President by a guy who has a show on Comedy Central.

So who saw the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner with the now widely criticized/acclaimed speech by Stephen Colbert? The national media has declined to cover the story for the most part, but you can't read any blog without mention of Colbert's roasting of President Bush. Personally, I thought the speech was pure brilliance. Then again, there's no hiding that I've never been a huge fan of Dubya, and I'm all for any public criticism of our nation's leader, with whom will lead this country through 2008 (in case you needed a reminder).
What makes Colbert's speech brilliant is the delivery and precise word choice of the speech, whereby you couldn't tell for the first part of it how much was the truth versus how much was satirical. After a few minutes, you realize that he isn't there to give Dubya a pat on the back. Constant mention of the low approval ratings, lack of progress in Iraq, and lack of accomplishment by the current federal government. It's truly amazing that Colbert had the balls to rip on the President (while throwing in the obligatory Cheney hunting accident joke) while he sat about 5 feet away. The audience seemed petrified at some of the jokes, and although they may have wanted to laugh, their Republican conscience instructed them to refrain. After watching the clip, quite frankly I'm surprised that C-SPAN didn't cut away from live television, nor did anyone make an effort to cease Colbert's address. Probably because the "powers that be" couldn't ascertain what was truth and what comments were directly poking fun at the President and his administration.

But enough of my liberal commentary. The clip is long and in several parts. I suggest taking some time to watch the whole thing and check it out for yourself. You may not be rolling on the floor laughing, but the gutsiness of the speech is enough to keep your attention.

Colbert Roasts Bush Part 1
Colbert Roasts Bush Part 2
Colbert Roasts Bush Part 3

Enjoy the weekend.

AC Trip Highlight

I decided not to go into way too much detail on the AC trip since I feel like my write-up won't do the trip enough justice, similar to when I was down there about 2 months back. My blog recap never makes it as humorous as it truly was, so I'll spare the hour-by-hour diary. Instead, I'd like to highlight the best part of the trip: The second encounter with David Longo.

When Eric, Belman, and I met up with Brandon down in Atlantic City, some part of me wouldn't have been surprised at all if we had run into David on this trip. After all, he told us on more than one occasion during the previous trip how much time he spent in the casinos. He kept coming back, they kept paying for him to come back...they both win. Plus, Eric and I had hyped this guy up so much, that I wanted to run into him again just to prove to Belman and Brandon how much of a character he is.

So it's around 6:00pm on Saturday, we're already at the Blackjack tables, and we've told the cocktail waitress to start bringing the Jack & Cokes 0ur way. I turn around and there's a guy and girl standing next to me. There he is. Mr. David in our presence. I look at him, "Hey, David, how ya doing?!?!" He gives me the 'I know this guy but can't place the name' look, and I say, "I'm Ross, we were hanging out with you a couple months back. That's Eric over there..." And then it clicked and he goes, "Oh yeah, the Penn State guys!" (Never underestimate the power of Dear Old State)

We're shooting the shit with him for a little bit, he sits down to play some cards, and were amazed by the wad of $100 bills he pulled out of his pocket. He started up with his gambling antics, but wouldn't become as crazy as last time because he didn't have enough booze in his system yet. In the meantime, he had a girl with him who had to have been about 10 years younger than him. She stood by his side while he was playing and seemed completely uninterested in the proceedings. Belman asked me on the side if she was his wife, and I quoted David from last time, "Yeah just got out of a nasty divorce. She took the Range Rover." No, this wasn't the wife. This was the new girlfriend who he's wining and dining and bringing as a guest to his all-expenses paid weekend in America's Playground.

He mentions that he was playing in a Blackjack Tournament that evening and was headed to dinner up at the Italian restaurant in the hotel, Polistina's.

Me: Yeah we ended up going there last time and it was really good.
David: I'm heading up there now because I have to come back for the tourney later on. You guys should go up there tonight to eat. I'll take care of it for you.
Me: Really? Anything you can do for us would be great.

As I say this, I realize that I wouldn't expect anything to come through. He doesn't really know us, so he might say he's take care of us, but you can't assume anything. So I didn't for the time being.

We were playing at the tables for a little while longer, and had a nice set up going... bullshitting with the dealers, Eric and Brandon with their back&forth nonsense, making wisecracks, while Belman, myself, and anyone else in the vicinity just looking on in amazement by those two clowns. The NFL Draft was playing on the TV's within viewing distance, and we were doing fairly well, so it was good times all around. Then David stopped back at our table at around 8:00pm.

David: Hey you guys, I made you a reservation at Polistina's at 9:00pm. Go up there, talk to Paul, tell him you're the Penn State guys. I mentioned Eric's name, so he'll remember.
[Each of us looking at each other thinking: 'Holy crap, this guy is hooking us up'.]
Eric: David, thanks a lot, man, we really appreciate it.

Before we went up to the restaurant, we stopped by David's table again to thank him. He said, "Eric come here.... give this to Paul and tell him it's from you. Have a good time." He handed Eric a $25 chip to give to Paul (we weren't exactly sure who Paul was at the time). Well now... didn't we feel like hotshots. Not only are we hooked up for dinner, we're slipping this guy a $25 chip for his hospitality.

We head to the restaurant, and as we walk in there were about 10 people waiting to be seated. Eric leans over to the hostess and says, "Hi, I'm looking for Paul." Instantly, a gentleman in a suit says, "Oh you must be Eric! Please, gentleman, right this way." So Paul ended up being the Maitre 'd, and he couldn't have moved faster for us. As soon as he heard Eric ask for him, he jumped right over to us, grabbed the menus and led us through the people waiting, and to our table. As we approached our table, Paul says to the waiter and assistant, "These fellows are friends of David's. Let's treat them well." So David has some clout in this restaurant and we were reaping the benefits. Eric then pulls the 'shake hands with the chip in his right hand and slides it to Paul' move. Very smooth. I was impressed.

Now don't get me wrong, we aren't there to take advantage. We're not there to be pigs or be disrespectful. But the fact of the matter is that this meal isn't coming out of David's pocket (well, indirectly it's coming out of all the money he's won and lost at the casino). He gets it all comped anyway, so why not enjoy ourselves? That's what we did...

A few beverages, some calamari as an appetizer, I chose a veal dish for dinner. It was fantastic. Very enjoyable indeed. Eric and Belman even argued whether it's wrong to bring your dinner home with you when someone else is paying for it. I won't get into the argument, but needless to say, it was overanalyzed and drawn out.

The suspenseful portion of the meal was waiting for the "check" at the end. We made it clear to the waiter that we were finished. We weren't sure if an actual check would come and the joke would be on us, or if they would give us some sort of nod that we were all set, or if it was a matter of just scribbling a signature on a tab and calling it a night.

The waiter arrived with a check upwards of $200...

Waiter: Gentlemen, are you staying in the hotel this evening? If so, would you like me to charge it to the room?
[Eric and I look at each other, waiting for the other to say something]
Eric: Ummm, we were under the impression that Paul would take care of this for us...
Waiter: No problem, I will check with him.

The waiter runs over to Paul, and you see Paul give a nod in agreement that he "has it all taken care of". Waiter goes back to the register, punches a few buttons and sends over a revised check.

Waiter: Ok, please sign here and you're all set.
All of us: Thank you very much. We appreciate it.

On the way out, we found Paul and thanked him again for his hospitality and generosity. That's how you do it folks. Gotta keep up those positive connections.

We tried to find David after dinner to thank him again, but he was nowhere to be found. It was extremely nice of him to hook us up and we were appreciative. That is the way to go when you're at the casino. Over time, people lose enough money, but they do what they can to make sure you continue to return. In David's case, they give him free rooms, free meals, free everything, so he'll return. It's the least they can do for someone who throws tens of thousands of dollars around each trip. In his words, "If they didn't pay for everything, I wouldn't come."

Meanwhile, on Sunday morning before we left, we stopped by the Concierge Desk and asked to leave a message for David. "Please tell him 'Thank you again from the Penn State guys'." The concierge mentioned that she didn't know when the next time he would return, and we're not sure what that meant, but odds are that he'll get the message sooner or later.

Overall, excellent trip with the fellas. And who says there's no such thing as a free meal? In some cases, you can get away with one...just have to know the right people.

Mike Tyson's Punchout, Eagles Draft Fat Men, and Lots of People in Blue Shirts

Few items I didn't want to forget:

- Everyone loves the original, old-school, 8 bit Nintendo. Of course one of the greatest Nintendo games was Mike Tyson's Punch Out. What's even better is that these guys acted it out in real life, with the music, motions, and everything. Gotta give these guys creativity points and the fact that they are putting their efforts toward constructive items like re-creating video games.

- Everyone also loves a good NFL Draft Diary, and this one from Yahoo! Sports writer Dan Wetzel is actually pretty good. Gotta love the crazy fans who show up the draft just to boo every selection. Oh wait, that would just be the Eagles and Jets fans.

Side note: The Eagles drafted a bunch of big guys. And when I say "big", I really mean "fat".
Allow me to elaborate...

1st round pick: Brodrick Bunkley (Florida St.) - 6'3", 306 lbs.
2nd round pick: Winston Justice (USC) - 6'6", 319 lbs.
4th round pick: Max Jean-Gilles (Georgia) - 6'4", 355 lbs.

Andy Reid is fat and he knows how to pick fat men. I love it.

- How about these folks (80 of them), who decided to dress up in blue polos and khaki pants, and pretended to be Best Buy employees. I'm gonna go ahead and say that the braintrust who coordinated this effort has a little too much time on their hands.

- Alright, so I sat down too late to run through the AC trip review. My apologies. Plus, I got sidetracked watching the antics of ImprovEverywhere, which is the group who organizes crazy scenes in public like the Best Buy item above. (Some very funny stuff on there). I'll get the AC highlights in tomorrow - don't worry, I haven't forgotten anything that I want to mention.

Andy's Nuggets of Wisdom - Back in Action

Andy doesn't forget about his weekly Nugget of Wisdom submission on Mondays. In fact, when I got home, it was waiting on the screen for me. He doesn't mess around. This week's topic: Stupid people in Clearfield, PA.

My Nugget of Wisdom this week is more of a..."You Didn't Just Say That" moment. So after I told a gentleman that my coworker was out until Noon, he responded by asking me, "So is that 12 or 1?" Umm...it's Noon. "Is that 12 or 1?" I laughed for about an hour...that is how stupid the people in my town are.